Today I am having back surgery. This will be only the second time I've been "put under" & the first time I am staying in hospital. What are my thoughts? Oddly enough, not too many. I think I want more than anything to have this nerve pain be over with; I don't care much about the back pain, but the nerve pain in my leg I've been dealing with for months has got to go. The last time I had general anesthesia, I didn't remember anything; I faded out & faded back in & that was it. I wonder if things will be different this time; so much has changed since the last time. I wonder if I will travel; that would be cool. Remembering would be even cooler.
Many people are asking me if I'm nervous or worried. What the hell do I have to worry about? If I am paralyzed, that would suck, but it would only be from the waist down. I could still write & interact with the world as I do now. After the period of mourning & re-adjusting the family dynamic, all would be well. So, that's not too much of a worry. Another possibility is the pain won't go away; if that's the case, I change careers & go on SSI until I do. Become a pain killer junkie, get sick of that & really take the time to master my body. All the while continue my education until I have my doctorate & then I can do pretty much what I want. So, again, not a worry.
I figured I'd leave the big one people always keep in the back of their mind for last: Death. What if I die on the table? It could happen, couldn't it? My wife & children would be devastated; as would my mom & the rest of my family. My friends would be sad to miss me (I think...), my co-workers would speak in hushed tones seeing themselves on the table & then the jokes would begin (my favorite part!). Once the jokes begin, that's when the healing begins. Misery begets more misery, while laughter begets more laughter; laughter heals & lifts the spirit to higher planes. In every gale of laughter, I would be joined by all those who were close to me & we could laugh together. Why do I not fear death, but look at it with a smile on my face? I have conquered death! My mind is sealed & I will never forget again. On the wings of sublime laughter, I learned the secret & that secret has liberated me. I will never be alone because every thought of me or that has been inspired by me brings me to that place & I can share that moment with the inspired & follow the continuing journey of that thought in directions I could have never imagined when my thought was first conceived.
I will continue through my children. I live in their blood & in their memories. Every time they think of me, I will be there to wrap my arms around them & hold them close. When they tell their children about me, I will be able to do the same to them & their children until my memory is forgotten except in the blood. These wonderful machines we inhabit, while broken, have the capacity for almost infinite memory storage. Through the DNA, I am immortal; as are all those who have come before me & all those who will come after. My memory will live on in the flesh & bone of my descendants; they will carry me with them every day of their lives & I will be able to see them & guide them through their "gut feelings", their intuition, their evolution!
Beyond all this, I will continue because I choose to. Choice is the ultimate actualizer. I have chosen to go through the process of individuation & have faced & embraced myself. I continue to walk among the stars & experience life through innumerable perspectives. I continue to touch the lives of others & like a virus, spread my ideas continuously outward. I continue to evolve & create the Immortal that gestates within me. The Taoists say we are born with a spirit,but no soul; a soul must be cultivated through spiritual practice. Every moment is a spiritual practice; every breath is a prayer to my own divine self & the Powers that guide me, They are my Family & they are guiding me to remembrance of my own immortality & godhood.
So do I fear death? Why? The adventure will only continue!
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